A walk into the woods

A visit with Caroline. We walked to Bon Life where she told me of soul prayers and the monk of old and recommended that I read Dark nights of the Soul, which I hope I will, and that I watch Tree of Life of which I did. I got it from Blockbuster for a few days. After we had the wonderful discussion and I opened up to her about where I was basically we went to a nature reserve outside of town. It was so wonderful. We just walked around in the woods. It was as though we were being. We talked about Grad school and plans and dreams and hopes and desires and confusion and theology. She believes that theology is a gift from God and to be able to properly understand it is a gift from God. That interested me. i would like to be able to know God. Perhaps I'll must work. But that I shall do. She's a grand soul she is. She brought peace to my spirit and comfort to my soul. A fine friend. I'm glad that I know her. She was homeschooled also. It was interesting. She is very outdoors-y. Her father and brother (who is a freshman at Lee University) were in Colorado that weekend running or biking or hiking or something. and she had just bought a mountain bike that day. It was great. And it was the first weekend that was truly chilling to thte bone and felt like autumn/fall/ Gotta love it. What a struggle. What a weekend. I hated it.

You have no idea I stayed up writing tonight too

Rough week. I seem to be saying to myself every week these days.  The happiest and hardest times. I chose this. I chose this. I don't double guess my desire or if I should have except when I double guess if it were right for him. He needs someone weak, slim, adoringly naive. Someone who needs him and cherishes him more than he could ever cherish anything else.  He needs to feel big and strong, the man, the protector. He needs to be able to sweep her off her feet-quite literally- and swing her around as she giggles and sings with a voice cool as Jerusalem air or she whispers into his hair sweet poems that trickle from her lips, down his throat, and into the pit of his fine being. I cannot do that.  I don't sing. my voice changes. I'm too cheesy for poetry-I can't express what I feel. I can't move others hearts. God I wish I could. I wish I knew words. She'll adore him and need him and worship him. He quite deserves it I'd say.  I don't care for male dominant relationships typically, but him I'd follow. So I could allow some precious feminine thing in his eyes to desperately contend for his every glance. That's what He needs. He must feel strong. He must feel man. He must Be those things he wants. I cannot give him that. I am not feminine. He told me that once, and by golly if my father didn't tell me a thousand times. I know guys, I know. I never played princess imagining the knight in shining armor. I played cowgirl who shot all the Indians. I played spy who ran with the boys on the dark alleys.  I didn't trick and use feminine charm- I was smart, I was Sherlock. The Dragon his loving female waited for him to come fight, I slew it in 3rd grade with homemade sword of thread and stick. I was never a maiden in distress- a princess. ever. I was the heroine.  I saved the day.  I wanted to live life not watch it. Why couldn't I have been a pretty little girl? teeny tiny with a delicate figure, sweet hands-beautiful fingers, long soft flowy hair, smooth milky skin, color-captured eyes.  I've a thickskinned/thick muscled body of an athlete,  My hair is a tangled mess of curls all sizes, my short stubby fingers are nail-bitten (i hate them), my cheeks burn fire, and I'm terribly freckled.  I sweat. my nail beds are wider than long. my cheeks swell chipmunkie if i eat late or my favorite foods. But much worse, I'm strong. I need no man. I am alone-some would say independent. I should have practiced my art painting wildflowers. I should have kept on reading....Little Women, Laura Ingles, Anne of Green Gables, and other tales of life. I instead put down my beloved books and picked up a ball, graduated college, raised champion livestock-I achieved well. But I never spent my time being and now I've become nothing. I love people because it is the only useful valuable thing left for me. I spent the time I couldn't becoming, achieving and now all empty me can do is listen and love. I've nothing to offer these people.
The closest thing I got to feminine was I learned to be a woman. I learned I would never get a man being fat, which I was fine with for a while but then the pounding, echoing words of my mom wrung so long my pinball mind was near explosion and I learned how to starve myself skinny, how to dress for his eye, to apply thick black liner around my eyes, and as I learned what "men" liked I planned my next mundane day.  I fell many a man while I rose to the top.
That's not a lady thing. You deserve a real lady. innocent and loving. I know too much. I want more than anything to be made to adore you. God I would do it, and I would do it well. I would so truly mean it. But it's not what you need. I love you with how you are, I don't love you for an illusion of who you want to be seen as. I'm not sure there's a difference honestly because you're grand. really really grand...but you need a sweet adoring girl that can't breathe unless looking at your strong chin and dashing eyes. I, my friend, can't look at you cause I'm filled with shame. I'm not a lady.
I could make you trip. I did. Oh man of character. you need a woman that trusts and believes. I can't anymore. I want love so bad, but I've never even seen it. I serve purpose here on earth. I'm strong, I endure. This is not feminine. She must believe there is still beauty. She must lighten the whole world  with but a delicate touch. My hands are meant for tugging and toil. I'll admire as you share a sweet perfect life. Gosh  you'll be envied and inspire many. It will be beautiful. You're charming, my man. A dream. Truly dreamy. Polished and Professional.
I'm large. I'm bulky. I make any man look young in frame. I hate it at times. Others I don't care. I wish I could inspire you. I wish I had beautiful things to say to move your heart. I stumble on my words alot and I can never say what I want. Not for fear, I try, but it can't escape my heart chambers, my mind gallows, my deep heavy swallow.  I can offer you simple plain things, but they're cheap substitutes for what you really want. you want real, expensive, delicate china. I'm a dollar store painted glass plate. Looks the same, but cracks first time through the dishwasher.
I wish I could tell you I know your soul. I feel it all the time. But I can't describe it and I never say the right thing to it. Some romantic girl will vey well. And that makes me happy. I can feel you when you're far, I can feel you when we're near. I fasted once while your days were dark. You'd not told anyone yet but I knew.  You were gone that weekend of course. I fasted in your stead. I slept til 6:30 in the evening depressed. It was a very mild case. I mean real, but mild taste of what you had, but because I could taste I could sense the depth of the full compacity. I feared for you. I wept without tears. I wanted to die. I wanted to die. Of course I've been mildly depressed too on my own but yours was bad. That's how I know you're a gentleman. You hurt and suffer at our deeds. I'm too calused, it never meant much to me. I got away Scott-free. Not really, I just couldn't resist. You're taking on my suffering carrying my load, you've asked for that responsability. God I love you. But I couldn't live a life like that doing that to you. You'd drown beneath the weight of my luggage.
Why was I never meant for innocence. I always wanted to know, but never the one people expected to wonder. Why didn't I sit around dreaming of him saving me and swooping me up and work on my womanly charms? Why didn't I practice an adoring smile? a slight arm squeeze. a sweet delicate smooth walk. Because I still do those things without the practice-and it's real.

Alright, It's been real. Real wrong. I want to be what you need but I can't. I want you more than to breathe. I chose you, I chose this. I said I'd stick by and I've never regretted it. But I hurt you and will not bring what you want. I can't fulfill certain things.

Oh this week.

This has been quite a week. the weekend was interesting. It was very difficult and not a pretty sight to tell of so perhaps I'll skip that. Monday I was late for my internship and had not showered.  It was fine though. I didn't see Ryan at all-Thank God.  I wore a nice outfit though with my grey trench coat because it was raining. I went to internship then all my classes then I went to the Psychology meeting about sleep. It was not nearly as interesting as I thought it would be. Devastating.  I had a PRSSA meeting that I left the sleep session for to attend.  Robyn Derrybarry came in and spoke.  I don't think she liked our group much-she left pretty quick after. That's alright she's a major type A personality. egh. Stress me out.  I get super mellow around personalities like that because I by nature try to balance them so I then sound like a straight up hippie. That real life friends.  After that I can't remember to save my life what I did.  I think I chilled in the room with my roommate.  We were crazy.  Then Tuesday came. I awoke at 10 and read a text about The Office and instantly knew it would be a grand day. I swung my feet over the side of my bunk and yelled " It's gonna be a great day roommate!" she laughed as she fixed her hair in the mirror.  I slid down and went straight to my computer to listen to a friends cheery and personally sentimental playlist. Ah how grand.   By the way my roommates alarm clock went off an hour late and she didn't know it so she showed up an hour late for her first class. Ha. but hey, that's life right? So I went to chapel and sat with my good friends Aubrey and Taylor in the front row.  I was on the aisle chair so basically in the center of the chapel. just kidding. that was completely dramatic.  The speaker was phenomenal though. I loved him.  And he loved us, because he brought us truth and shared it beautifully. At least I thin it's truth.  Note I think, not necessarily believe. If I believed then perhaps my heart would have been changed, moved, or something of the sort.  Then I went to lunch. Then I went to the PCSU and I began my blog for CUFI for my Innovation and Social Media class. I haven't finished rewriting it yet. Note to self: do that. After class I went to my internship. I was late. guh. unacceptable. then I left and it was an icy rain and I was stuck in a traffic jam for over an hour.  I was concerned I would run out of gas.  Good new though: I got my Debit card in yesterday. Thank God! So i stopped and got gas. I called the fam during that time.  Ya know it's funny because it's so true when it rains it pours. But that's besides the point, maybe I'll come back to it later.  So after internship and traveling home, I went to work out with a friend Danielle and then I went walking in the ice cold rain.  Actually I went to play pool but people were already playing.  So I walked in the cold rain and thought and touch the things around me.  I hurt inside and then is when I laughed and realized the irony of the weather.  Like I said, It's always true. When it rains it pours. It pours icy piercing cold. I was walking when sweet Casey saw me and pulled her car over to see if I was okay.  I smiled, "oh yeah! I'm great!" she grabbed my hand and said "If you need anything let me know." But she seemed convinced by my response that I was just great. And I continued on. I walked til I found a well lit, dry spot to sit under a tree. and I thought. and I wrote, in my little red book. Then a friend and I ran through the rain to a get away car and we sped though the rain to a waffle house to spend time with two sweet dear friends, meet their beloved friend of old, and well of course drink coke and eat cheesy eggs.  Then I returned to my wee little room in cross (on my way back I was told there was a spring in my step-perhaps so..) and I listened to my roommate tell me of the woes of her life and slowly I drifted off to sleep..... Only to wake this Wednesday morning 3 hours late for my internship.  That's when I knew my karma was off. and the day began slowly but surely to spin out of control and by mid day i scrambled with haste to collect the shattered pieces of my existence as the uncontainable twister destroyed everything before my eyes and all I could do was but watch with a nervous smile and a twitching brow as I swept up a clear path trying to tidy the destruction I was watching.  and it still was and still is happening. But I'll continue to clean this area  while mass destruction continues and I'll go by way that lead so I can see the destruction and know what is happening so that I can know where I must head to direct others to clean at some future point.  Should anyone decide to enter my barren fields and offer to help clean.  It may be a very very long while before any thing grows here again.  Maybe I should just build while all is flattened and destroyed.  Rather than plant and toil for years and see very little growth. we'll see. I'm off.