A walk into the woods

A visit with Caroline. We walked to Bon Life where she told me of soul prayers and the monk of old and recommended that I read Dark nights of the Soul, which I hope I will, and that I watch Tree of Life of which I did. I got it from Blockbuster for a few days. After we had the wonderful discussion and I opened up to her about where I was basically we went to a nature reserve outside of town. It was so wonderful. We just walked around in the woods. It was as though we were being. We talked about Grad school and plans and dreams and hopes and desires and confusion and theology. She believes that theology is a gift from God and to be able to properly understand it is a gift from God. That interested me. i would like to be able to know God. Perhaps I'll must work. But that I shall do. She's a grand soul she is. She brought peace to my spirit and comfort to my soul. A fine friend. I'm glad that I know her. She was homeschooled also. It was interesting. She is very outdoors-y. Her father and brother (who is a freshman at Lee University) were in Colorado that weekend running or biking or hiking or something. and she had just bought a mountain bike that day. It was great. And it was the first weekend that was truly chilling to thte bone and felt like autumn/fall/ Gotta love it. What a struggle. What a weekend. I hated it.

You have no idea I stayed up writing tonight too

Rough week. I seem to be saying to myself every week these days.  The happiest and hardest times. I chose this. I chose this. I don't double guess my desire or if I should have except when I double guess if it were right for him. He needs someone weak, slim, adoringly naive. Someone who needs him and cherishes him more than he could ever cherish anything else.  He needs to feel big and strong, the man, the protector. He needs to be able to sweep her off her feet-quite literally- and swing her around as she giggles and sings with a voice cool as Jerusalem air or she whispers into his hair sweet poems that trickle from her lips, down his throat, and into the pit of his fine being. I cannot do that.  I don't sing. my voice changes. I'm too cheesy for poetry-I can't express what I feel. I can't move others hearts. God I wish I could. I wish I knew words. She'll adore him and need him and worship him. He quite deserves it I'd say.  I don't care for male dominant relationships typically, but him I'd follow. So I could allow some precious feminine thing in his eyes to desperately contend for his every glance. That's what He needs. He must feel strong. He must feel man. He must Be those things he wants. I cannot give him that. I am not feminine. He told me that once, and by golly if my father didn't tell me a thousand times. I know guys, I know. I never played princess imagining the knight in shining armor. I played cowgirl who shot all the Indians. I played spy who ran with the boys on the dark alleys.  I didn't trick and use feminine charm- I was smart, I was Sherlock. The Dragon his loving female waited for him to come fight, I slew it in 3rd grade with homemade sword of thread and stick. I was never a maiden in distress- a princess. ever. I was the heroine.  I saved the day.  I wanted to live life not watch it. Why couldn't I have been a pretty little girl? teeny tiny with a delicate figure, sweet hands-beautiful fingers, long soft flowy hair, smooth milky skin, color-captured eyes.  I've a thickskinned/thick muscled body of an athlete,  My hair is a tangled mess of curls all sizes, my short stubby fingers are nail-bitten (i hate them), my cheeks burn fire, and I'm terribly freckled.  I sweat. my nail beds are wider than long. my cheeks swell chipmunkie if i eat late or my favorite foods. But much worse, I'm strong. I need no man. I am alone-some would say independent. I should have practiced my art painting wildflowers. I should have kept on reading....Little Women, Laura Ingles, Anne of Green Gables, and other tales of life. I instead put down my beloved books and picked up a ball, graduated college, raised champion livestock-I achieved well. But I never spent my time being and now I've become nothing. I love people because it is the only useful valuable thing left for me. I spent the time I couldn't becoming, achieving and now all empty me can do is listen and love. I've nothing to offer these people.
The closest thing I got to feminine was I learned to be a woman. I learned I would never get a man being fat, which I was fine with for a while but then the pounding, echoing words of my mom wrung so long my pinball mind was near explosion and I learned how to starve myself skinny, how to dress for his eye, to apply thick black liner around my eyes, and as I learned what "men" liked I planned my next mundane day.  I fell many a man while I rose to the top.
That's not a lady thing. You deserve a real lady. innocent and loving. I know too much. I want more than anything to be made to adore you. God I would do it, and I would do it well. I would so truly mean it. But it's not what you need. I love you with how you are, I don't love you for an illusion of who you want to be seen as. I'm not sure there's a difference honestly because you're grand. really really grand...but you need a sweet adoring girl that can't breathe unless looking at your strong chin and dashing eyes. I, my friend, can't look at you cause I'm filled with shame. I'm not a lady.
I could make you trip. I did. Oh man of character. you need a woman that trusts and believes. I can't anymore. I want love so bad, but I've never even seen it. I serve purpose here on earth. I'm strong, I endure. This is not feminine. She must believe there is still beauty. She must lighten the whole world  with but a delicate touch. My hands are meant for tugging and toil. I'll admire as you share a sweet perfect life. Gosh  you'll be envied and inspire many. It will be beautiful. You're charming, my man. A dream. Truly dreamy. Polished and Professional.
I'm large. I'm bulky. I make any man look young in frame. I hate it at times. Others I don't care. I wish I could inspire you. I wish I had beautiful things to say to move your heart. I stumble on my words alot and I can never say what I want. Not for fear, I try, but it can't escape my heart chambers, my mind gallows, my deep heavy swallow.  I can offer you simple plain things, but they're cheap substitutes for what you really want. you want real, expensive, delicate china. I'm a dollar store painted glass plate. Looks the same, but cracks first time through the dishwasher.
I wish I could tell you I know your soul. I feel it all the time. But I can't describe it and I never say the right thing to it. Some romantic girl will vey well. And that makes me happy. I can feel you when you're far, I can feel you when we're near. I fasted once while your days were dark. You'd not told anyone yet but I knew.  You were gone that weekend of course. I fasted in your stead. I slept til 6:30 in the evening depressed. It was a very mild case. I mean real, but mild taste of what you had, but because I could taste I could sense the depth of the full compacity. I feared for you. I wept without tears. I wanted to die. I wanted to die. Of course I've been mildly depressed too on my own but yours was bad. That's how I know you're a gentleman. You hurt and suffer at our deeds. I'm too calused, it never meant much to me. I got away Scott-free. Not really, I just couldn't resist. You're taking on my suffering carrying my load, you've asked for that responsability. God I love you. But I couldn't live a life like that doing that to you. You'd drown beneath the weight of my luggage.
Why was I never meant for innocence. I always wanted to know, but never the one people expected to wonder. Why didn't I sit around dreaming of him saving me and swooping me up and work on my womanly charms? Why didn't I practice an adoring smile? a slight arm squeeze. a sweet delicate smooth walk. Because I still do those things without the practice-and it's real.

Alright, It's been real. Real wrong. I want to be what you need but I can't. I want you more than to breathe. I chose you, I chose this. I said I'd stick by and I've never regretted it. But I hurt you and will not bring what you want. I can't fulfill certain things.

Oh this week.

This has been quite a week. the weekend was interesting. It was very difficult and not a pretty sight to tell of so perhaps I'll skip that. Monday I was late for my internship and had not showered.  It was fine though. I didn't see Ryan at all-Thank God.  I wore a nice outfit though with my grey trench coat because it was raining. I went to internship then all my classes then I went to the Psychology meeting about sleep. It was not nearly as interesting as I thought it would be. Devastating.  I had a PRSSA meeting that I left the sleep session for to attend.  Robyn Derrybarry came in and spoke.  I don't think she liked our group much-she left pretty quick after. That's alright she's a major type A personality. egh. Stress me out.  I get super mellow around personalities like that because I by nature try to balance them so I then sound like a straight up hippie. That real life friends.  After that I can't remember to save my life what I did.  I think I chilled in the room with my roommate.  We were crazy.  Then Tuesday came. I awoke at 10 and read a text about The Office and instantly knew it would be a grand day. I swung my feet over the side of my bunk and yelled " It's gonna be a great day roommate!" she laughed as she fixed her hair in the mirror.  I slid down and went straight to my computer to listen to a friends cheery and personally sentimental playlist. Ah how grand.   By the way my roommates alarm clock went off an hour late and she didn't know it so she showed up an hour late for her first class. Ha. but hey, that's life right? So I went to chapel and sat with my good friends Aubrey and Taylor in the front row.  I was on the aisle chair so basically in the center of the chapel. just kidding. that was completely dramatic.  The speaker was phenomenal though. I loved him.  And he loved us, because he brought us truth and shared it beautifully. At least I thin it's truth.  Note I think, not necessarily believe. If I believed then perhaps my heart would have been changed, moved, or something of the sort.  Then I went to lunch. Then I went to the PCSU and I began my blog for CUFI for my Innovation and Social Media class. I haven't finished rewriting it yet. Note to self: do that. After class I went to my internship. I was late. guh. unacceptable. then I left and it was an icy rain and I was stuck in a traffic jam for over an hour.  I was concerned I would run out of gas.  Good new though: I got my Debit card in yesterday. Thank God! So i stopped and got gas. I called the fam during that time.  Ya know it's funny because it's so true when it rains it pours. But that's besides the point, maybe I'll come back to it later.  So after internship and traveling home, I went to work out with a friend Danielle and then I went walking in the ice cold rain.  Actually I went to play pool but people were already playing.  So I walked in the cold rain and thought and touch the things around me.  I hurt inside and then is when I laughed and realized the irony of the weather.  Like I said, It's always true. When it rains it pours. It pours icy piercing cold. I was walking when sweet Casey saw me and pulled her car over to see if I was okay.  I smiled, "oh yeah! I'm great!" she grabbed my hand and said "If you need anything let me know." But she seemed convinced by my response that I was just great. And I continued on. I walked til I found a well lit, dry spot to sit under a tree. and I thought. and I wrote, in my little red book. Then a friend and I ran through the rain to a get away car and we sped though the rain to a waffle house to spend time with two sweet dear friends, meet their beloved friend of old, and well of course drink coke and eat cheesy eggs.  Then I returned to my wee little room in cross (on my way back I was told there was a spring in my step-perhaps so..) and I listened to my roommate tell me of the woes of her life and slowly I drifted off to sleep..... Only to wake this Wednesday morning 3 hours late for my internship.  That's when I knew my karma was off. and the day began slowly but surely to spin out of control and by mid day i scrambled with haste to collect the shattered pieces of my existence as the uncontainable twister destroyed everything before my eyes and all I could do was but watch with a nervous smile and a twitching brow as I swept up a clear path trying to tidy the destruction I was watching.  and it still was and still is happening. But I'll continue to clean this area  while mass destruction continues and I'll go by way that lead so I can see the destruction and know what is happening so that I can know where I must head to direct others to clean at some future point.  Should anyone decide to enter my barren fields and offer to help clean.  It may be a very very long while before any thing grows here again.  Maybe I should just build while all is flattened and destroyed.  Rather than plant and toil for years and see very little growth. we'll see. I'm off.

journal

Well this has been an interesting week! I started my first internship on Monday.  First day my new boss showed me around the building and introduced me to all sorts of people. She showed me my new office with my own little desk and computer and chair and all that. She took me to the storage rooms where i collected a notebook and pens (I accidentally collected red ones-oops) and sticky notes.  I learned about all the stuff stored in the room and what its used for. She showed me the kitchens where there is free coffee and little debbie snacks (because somebody also works at McKee foods as well as United Way).  That's real exciting! The first day I listened to my new boss talk about her horror experiences in the PR field.  unfortunately I kept going cross-eyed while she talked because I;d pulled an all nighter the night before and listening was literally physically melting my brain-I swear. I thought I'd die before she quit telling me stories.  It was interesting, really, but I could not focus to save my life. The second day I spent two hours facebook stalking the people who had liked out pages on facebook. well, that was great. This is my job, this is my life, this is what I do, facebook stalk people so that I can specifically target my advertising towards them and "rig" people of the week choices strategically. What am I doing with my life? Good Lord. But anywho, It was enjoyable-I should complain. Today I researched what involved in designing and creating a christmas parade float. YAY! love my job/internship. who the world gets to do all these wonderful things? :) Happy day!

Week 3

Alright well today has been interesting, perhaps divine? I don't know that today merits "Divine" but Jesus interacted in my day I guess you could say.  That or connectedness and good luck out the wazoo... who knows? Any who the first thing that comes to my mind was that Wednesdays are my busy evenings when I don't get to eat dinner because I have class straight through. Well today a girl from 3rd Simmons last year sat next to me in Marriage and Family Class and I remembered her name (miracle of miracles) and classification.  She gave me her donut. She said she doesn't like donuts but always buys a coffee and doesn't feel right wasting the money so she gets a donut to give to someone along the way to class and tell them that Jesus loves them.  Well the person she chose on the way to class today rejected it...awk. So she gave it to me. yay:) yummy:) Well that was kool. but I was still stressed because my roommates had an awful week and I hadn't got my side of the room clean for roomcheck and on top of that, I needed to call my two internships. Well turns out the T.A. just handed out a study guide and let us free for that hour so I was able to come back and clean and call my internships. YAY! I was able to get ahold of the internship that I really wanted and the Lady told me she was interested and would call back Friday. Fingers crossed and prayers whispered! Had lunch with Taylor, Kaitlyn, and Mitch today.  Watched Youtube videos for a long time in the PCSU. Skipped Theatre Class. Got locked outta the room and had to sit on the bench outside cross for a good long while.  I think that was Jesus. Ran into Naomi and talked with her. Then got let in. I was invited to IHOP-KC this weekend. It would be kool, but moneyyyyyyys. And time. I dunno....we'll see. I might.  It'd be Jamie, Lorien, and maybe Caroline and I would get to see Sam there. It'd be kool :) Well decisions decisions decisions. We shall see.  It seems like a good week to perhaps :)

Assignment 2

Welp, what a week. It's been good, real good. I'm learning things. I'm learning how little it is that I know. Truly. But that's okay.  It's seemed to be this similar downward spiral for sometime now. I'm not shocked by my slips while trying to claw myself to safety...rather I'm sliding. Right on down. a sick pleasant smile on my lips. I don't even bother with... things. I'm going. I'm being. Cause life has never waited on me.It's not supposed to really. I'm not made to dawdle, or sit behind on the curb as it beckons me come.  But I'm behind and that's the situation I'm in and I'm not for certain how to leap from here to there. It's not so simple as just doing. It's a mysterious maze between here and there. And though I'd like to be lifted and placed from here to there, it cannot be, for there is no thing with which to move me. It is not. So I am here, and I should be there. I am lost and searching is fruitless. There is no clue. I don't know what they mean anymore. And so I stare. A lifeless glaze. This character has no story, no life, no background, no attachment to my heart, as the reader. I can't recognize her. Not I don't-I can't.
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Above is the line where I left for class-Marriage and Family Planning-and left my dear writing to appease my professor, other students, and most importantly the attendance standard. I'm always grateful when I go.  We talked much of "love in action", which has always been the definition by which my name has been defined to me, and rather then labeling such "charity" we labeled it grace.  But we still had a separate definition of the term.  We called grace "unmerited favour". Interesting, I'm quite accustomed to the particular definition but had never internalized such significance.  Favour. a favourite of mine. For someone to favour me is strong and means much to my particular being. I desire to be favoured I do believe.  I want to be preferred. Such is my inner being. But to be desired and wanted when circumstance and reason dictate otherwise is a powerful powerful thing I do believe. Any woman wants that. Perhaps even every woman... but at least any.  It seems my notion is deeper than I, and attached to my gender-my biology- not my deepest feelings, not me particular. That all doesn't matter though. I no longer desire to write on this topic perhaps I shall conclude my thought (or rather develope it) at some later time. But perhaps, and mostly likely not, as well. Good day, Fairwell, So long, Today.:)
Journal entry length:Complete.

Assignment 1

Well my day, I am trying to decide quite a few things right now. I need to decide between some classes and an internship. There is one class that I have straight up slept through every single day so far ( that's four classes) which typically you need to drop a course after 3 absences so I'm guessin that my chances of taking that class this semester ...and passing....are slim to none.  I am bound to sleep through it again at some point DOOM. So that class is easy enough but the next I'm not so certain about. It's a Planning and Management class, and there is 1 too many people in the class. I originally thought that I would drop it- I just had this feeling- of course I "just had a feeling" about living in Keeble this year too, which I am not doing. I am in Cross. So yeah, weird. Maybe I am practicing self-fulfilling prophecy at the moment.  Yikes. Noo likey. I surely hope not. Anywho, I am also looking at internships and I picked my top four, next top three, maybes, and made a no pile.  I looked each organization up today online while I was eating lunch in the cafeteria. Note: There are a lot of really great websites and blogs for the organizations I'm looking at- I'll need to step it up. :) No big deal, story of my life. Rise to the challenge, I will. Also, I'm considering whether to join Kingdom Players this semester or not.  I was looking up monologues.and found one by Dory from Finding Nemo. HA. what if I did? Then I found Gollum.  From the Lord of the Rings . Gosh that's perfect. As if I can't feel that character completely and to the fullest. I'm actually really good at his voice as well. I was totally joking at first thinking it would be hysterical...but I'm almost considering it now. It's out there enough I would have to be completely in character....and It would be funny and take guts. HA. How awkward then they just sit there staring like Oh my word what did she just do. I would die. There's no way I can do this.  This blog, journal entry thing is really interesting because It's not something I would ever publish for people to read- it's not reader friendly in any way.  I'm not writing for an audience. But it's also not at all an expression of what I'm thinking, just a safe guard in case anyone should ever read this. And I'm also not chronicling. It's not an accurate portrayal of what's happened. So I'm not sure what this is. It's real real weird. I guess just wasted time fulfilling an assignment. I should really make it useful. But writing is writing (HA) all the same, no difference to me. chuckle, chuckle, chuckle.  Maybe I should start making stuff up. explore the imagination. It's a magnificent thing ya know. So I hear.  Alright well, as a minimum I should perhaps start capitalizing my letters and sentences and writing something organized and thoughtful and of a topic. Maybe I shall. Maybe...I shall.  Also, I should begin typing and spelling properly.  It's about time. 20 years old. Good Gracious. 20. This is my life. The time of my life. What am I doing? Smile and go live this lovely life. it's beautiful and grand and full of happiness. Never carry another burden. Just kidding . Carry it all you want so long as you put it down when it's time and you can put it down and you will put it down and you will live and love life and feel happiness and joy too, and never ever ever get back together-I mean  whaaaat?  Never ever ever let myself be defeated. EVER. I will never. Defeat is not in my dictionary. Hahhahaha this is literally the most hysterical thing I've ever written. Self motivation.  Here we go. Let's find me.  Because I don't even recognize myself anymore. Quarter Life Crisis, it might be penned. I shall read again and that shall improve my  mind.  Family and Marriage counseling. I want that book. I will read it all. tonight. right now. Okay I'm going to go get it. This is long enough.